About me….well I should start at the beginning.  I was born in 1857-1941.  Raised in rural Planters Wart Iowa  to an Orthodox Scientologist couple, I never learned to read braille, which wasn’t important because I can see, but it would still be cool if I could so I could close my eyes and be like “I know what you talkin’ bout atm machine” and then drive my car into an out of business orphanage.  You know the one, the one across from mailboxes etc.  At the age of thirteen, I founded the elite organization known as the Illiteratti.  My family had a strict policy of inbreeding,  citing the rule “If your eyes are close together, fuck your cousin Heather, if your eyes are far apart, suck off your brother Bart.  High school was a troubling time for me, but with a name like Hank,  ridicule is to be expected.  I finally had to drop out after getting my beaten senseless when my tail got caught in a butter churn.  My principal told me “Son, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but goddamn, why do you keep fuckin’ yer sister?”  He had a point.

Notable accomplishments:

• coined the term “shit in a bag”

• wrote the play “The Freezer is a Bad Place to Keep Sperm, but a Great Place to Take a Shit”

• watched Leonard Part 6

• invented outer space

• figured out how to use a deep fryer basket to lift turds out of a toilet

• made love to approximately 2 women

• righty tighty lefty loosy

After swallowing $9 worth of quarters, I knew this was the place I want to be… Repressing the hell out of women.