November 2nd, 2009 by Spencer

This girl posted the pic you see above to attract men – I shit you not.

Like we’ve all suddenly become fans of the twisted-hateface look.

Staring at you like you just ass-raped her daughter and sent her the PornoTube links, she manages an expression of disgust I normally reserve for Nazi war crimes or the music of James Blunt.

If that’s how she looks when she’s happy, I’d hate to be the one to leave a few stray drops on her toilet seat.

Her scrawny body is not so much the product of a healthy lifestyle, more the exhausting consequence of being angry 24-7.  Now she’s inviting one lucky guy to share in her world of misery and despair.  Forgive us if we don’t all line up…

Having no friends means she always has to take her own pic.  If someone had been around to help her, that poisonous bitch-scowl would never have been allowed to go public.  Even the dumbest assistant would have pulled it with editorial vigil instead of unleashing it on innocent men, women and children.

Her life revolves around her wardrobe which is full of freakish oddities.  This is what happens when all your shopping sprees happen alone – there’s nobody to warn you that maybe those sparkley pants you’re about to buy actually make you look like a brain injury patient who had their style cortex removed.  Then there’s her lingo… clutching to remnants of the past, her favourite phrases are “As If!” and “phat” – both things her friends used to say in the 1990s, the last time they spoke.

These reclusive traits have left her trapped in a vicious circle.  What she really needs to put a smile back on her dial is rough sex.  But, as long as she’s going around looking at every man like he just took a dump in her cornflakes it won’t happen.  That makes her more angry which drives her even further away from getting what she needs.
It’s unfortunate but she really could sell herself a bit better – I’ve seen happier faces at funerals.