January 20th, 2010 by Spencer

Some people like to do yoga naked from the waste down…  It’s called mental illness.

Don’t know about you, but like this bitch, I like to really feel the breeze through my ass crack when I’m meditating, although I doubt her copy of “Spirituality For Dummies” said anything about taking pants off.

Living with a crazy bitch is never easy.  Her husband left her in 2003 for a normal woman who will put out without having to wait for the astrological go ahead from Mercury and Uranus.

Being dumped came as a shock – the tarot didn’t mention it, so these days she steers clear of romantic involvement… although she does flick her bean to a Fox News anchor who has convinced her that global warming is fraud.

She also has an 11 year old son who she embarrasses by saying stuff in front of his friends like “urine is good for the skin” and “did you remember to take your worm medicine?”.

Her erratic thinking is encouraged by her friends who produce dizzy online tutorials or “random yoga-is-yummy videos” as they are known on the streets of America:

Hey wake up, it’s finished.  This clip proves what we’ve been saying for years:
It IS possible to move like a yoga jedi, learn innovative ways to tie your church scarf AND lube up a zucchini all in under 5 minutes…  So yeah, a big fuck you to all the doubters.

October 12th, 2009 by Spencer

“I bring you peace, joy and love.”

This smiling, sparkley-eyed hippie wouldn’t hurt a fly and should not be posted on this site right?

WRONG.  She’s a fuckin’ bitch and I’m going to explain why.

Never be hoodwinked by a radiant smile.

Smiling is a dangerously persuasive technique right up there alongside when they lick that bit between your ball-sack and asshole.  It will make you compliant.
Don’t fall for it.

From the pseudo-ethnic clothing we can deduce some basic lifestyle facts…

She doesn’t eat meat.  She believes in alternative medicine.  She likes essential oils.

Nice girl right?  Wrong…

She’s the bitch who will waste your grandmother’s time telling her to wear a moon crystal in her panties when what she really needs to stop the cancer is chemotherapy.

She drifts from one aimless cause to the next and thinks by getting a tattoo of an indian tribe on her ankle that she’s in tune with nature.

And, never accept an invitation to this bitch’s party.  She’ll ruin the experience by getting her accoustic guitar out.  She won’t stop singing even though people start leaving with increasingly weaker excuses.
“La la la… Oh… you’re leaving too Jim? Well, hope your kids recover from that Ebola virus soon.  La la la.  OK who wants to play eco-friendly pass the parcel?  There’s no packaging around the prize, you just have to use your imagination. La la la”

Thanks bitch,  I always wanted a figurine of the Hindu deity Shiva made out of elephant shit.

 
 
There are more candles in her house than the Vatican city branch of Candleworld and she met her tree-surgeon boyfriend while fundraising for dolphins with AIDS.  He’s a white witch who introduced her to pagan magic and the world of eastern herb medicine, none of which actually works and most of which involves consuming the penis of an endangered species…

As always, it’s been a pleasure bitch.  Thanks for the dream-catcher.  RIP Grandma.