October 5th, 2009 by Spencer

“I love shoes.  I love shopping.  I love buying shoes.”

We’ve all heard that oestrogen-charged bullshit flow from women’s mouths over the years, but what does it really mean?

Today I will attempt to convert this irritating, histrionic bitch-talk into something less emotional that our logical, clear-thinking minds can comprehend:

“I love buying shoes – I’ve probably got <insert stupid number here> pairs of shoes.”
Translation: My face is a bit ugly, I need lots of shoes to distract you from looking at my fuck-ugly face.

Look out for that – it’s always the not so hot bitches that boast about the the shoes and the numbers.

These idiots can even buy greeting cards to announce to the world about how much they care about shoes.

But is there anything wrong with loving shoes?  Let’s try and answer this question by seeing what happens
when shoe-love goes too far…

“I love shoes too.”

Q: Some people find shoes very exciting, but how far is going too far?
A: Returning stolen shoes to the local nursery school having masturbated into them is too far, as is driving one of these.

Wise up.  Keep your kids away from shoe-freaks.  Together, let’s keep our neighbourhoods ShoeSafe™.

Don’t be fooled.  Shoe-love is not just another harmless fetish.  If it was, it would be like those harmless guys who have sex with balloons.

Outside of the warped world of the shoe-maniac, is wearing footwear important for the rest of us?
Perhaps less than you think…

In fact, experts agree – the simple act of taking shoes off can create a more relaxed atmosphere around the family home:

A tough day in the convent is quickly forgotten during the humble art of shoe removal.

To all the wannabe-bitch-scum, the Paris Hilton disciples etc.  This is how shoes should be:  functional, not collectable.

Remember that fact next time you’re spending the Gross Domestic Product of Africa on another pointless pair of Jimmy Choos.  They’re not Pokéshoes… and you don’t have to catch them all.